Sailing On The SS Failure
by Red Witch
Summary: Once again Mallory tries to pull a scam on the CIA. And once again her plans backfire thanks to her agents.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has sailed out to see. Some more madness right before Pocket Listing that I made up. This also probably explains why Mallory didn't use the bomb threat trick while the gang was working for the CIA.**

 **Sailing On The S.S. Failure **

"This cannot possibly be an approved CIA mission!" Lana groaned as she carried her daughter onto the dock. The agency was standing next to the gangplank of a large luxury ship at the harbor.

"It's an approved secret mission," Mallory shrugged as she walked by dressed in her nicest fur and a lovely green dress. "Which the CIA allowed us to do."

"The CIA allowed us to go on a booze cruise?" Pam asked. "Way to go Ms. Archer!"

"It's **not** a booze cruise!" Mallory snapped. "The Majestic Monterey is a high class luxury day cruise ship catering to the elite of society. For fifty years anyone who is anyone has travelled this ship enjoying its luxury. From royalty to famous authors to the highest placed politicians to the highest of high society, the Majestic Monterey is an institution unto itself."

"So it's a high class booze cruise," Pam folded her arms.

"If this thing is such an institution how come I've never heard of it?" Archer asked.

"Because this vessel is only for the elite! A secret among the upper crust of society!" Mallory scoffed. "Not the crumbs like you lot!"

"How did you convince the CIA to send us here?" Ray asked. "Another bomb threat?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Mallory sniffed. "You can't **always** make it a bomb threat! Let's just say some intelligence suggesting that KGB agents may be posing as passengers might be handing off some valuable information has come to their attention."

"And of course this information is totally fake," Lana groaned. "Unbelievable."

"It's not completely unbelievable," Mallory shrugged. "This is the Majestic Monterey. All sorts of rich and famous people from all over the world come here. There's always a slight chance some kind of KGB agent is skulking around."

"Slight but kind of improbable," Cyril frowned.

"Hey it gets us out of the office and into a bar for the day," Pam said. "I'm not complaining."

"Good point," Cyril admitted.

"Unbelievable," Lana groaned.

"Oh don't take that tone with me," Mallory scoffed. "This is the thanks I get for treating you lot to a day out?"

"Ha!" Pam scoffed.

"Yeah, Ha! What's your **real angle** Mother?" Archer snorted.

"Look all you lot have to do is pretend to snoop around and try not to cause any damages for seven hours," Mallory snapped. "Or just stay in the bar and have a drink! I don't care! I only brought you along to make it look good! And speaking of looking good I need to freshen up for dinner."

"What's his name?" Archer sighed.

"I don't know yet but I'm sure I'll find someone," Mallory said.

"Is this a desperate attempt to land a rich guy who will take care of you now that Ron's dumping you?" Cheryl asked. "Or are you looking for another power player to help you out and boost your career with the CIA?"

"Eh a little bit of both actually," Archer admitted. "If I know Mother. And sadly I do."

"First of all, Ron is not dumping me!" Mallory snapped.

"Not yet," Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"Our marriage is fine! I'm just…Keeping my options open," Mallory waved.

"Limited options," Cheryl snorted.

"Shut up," Mallory glared at her. "You're just lucky I needed the Tunt name to reserve a decent table in the dining area or else you would have been left back at the office. And the same goes for the rest of you. I don't care what or in some cases **whom** you do…"

She glared at Archer. "Just be discreet and stay out of trouble and out of my way. With any luck I won't have to see any of you until we disembark."

"The feeling is mutual," Archer finished his drink. "Well if anyone needs me I will be at the bar."

"And the thought of hanging around with your daughter completely disappears," Lana rolled her eyes. "And speaking of disappearing…"

"Here we go…" Mallory groaned.

"No, **here I go**!" Lana barked. "I'm not getting on this boat with a baby until you tell me exactly what stupid scheme you have planned! Because if we just ride around on this boat and nothing happens and we have nothing to show for it…"

"Relax Lana! Krieger has that covered," Mallory waved. "Remember that stupid computer virus that infected our mainframe a while back?"

"Ha ha!" Pam imitated the Pirate computer virus.

"Shut up!" Mallory ordered. "Well Krieger made an inferior copy of it and it's downloaded on this disk drive." She showed them. "After we disembark on this boat I will personally hand this to Hawley and tell him we took this off a KGB agent who was going to use this to infect the stock market or something. The agent got away but we thwarted his plan."

"So not only are you making up a threat in order to screw money out of the CIA," Lana sighed. "You're going to give them a fake virus to make you look good?"

"To make the whole agency look good," Mallory said. "Because quite frankly Lana we're not exactly topping off our win column when it comes to the missions the CIA gives us."

"In other words you're stacking the deck," Lana gave her a look.

"Pretty much yes," Mallory shrugged. "And while we're on the cruise if I happen to meet someone who might need our agency's services…"

"Who's on this ship that you're trying to seduce?" Lana groaned.

"The new defense secretary of the UN for starters," Mallory admitted. "A few senators. A couple of congressmen. Some business tycoons creating some new Super Pac. And maybe a duke or two?"

"So if I get this right, on top of the fake threat and the fraud… You're basically trolling around for a new sponsor for our agency and/or a date on the CIA's dime," Lana said. "Unbelievable."

"Yeah we should have thought of this sooner," Pam nodded.

"Again, we desperately need a mission to go right. And as for the whole 'trolling for sponsors' thing to put it in your extremely crude terms…" Mallory began.

"Which are also extremely accurate," Ray added.

"I'm just keeping my options open," Mallory explained.

"In case this stupid plan doesn't work out," Lana added.

"Or your marriage won't work out," Cheryl added.

"Which probably won't if your past history tells us anything," Ray added.

"I want this on the record that I am strongly opposed to this mission!" Lana barked.

"When are you **never** strongly opposed to a mission?" Mallory shouted. "Change the God damned record for once!"

"Oh you want me to change things up?" Lana barked. "How about this? I'm leaving! You want to screw around and pretend to work…Go ahead!"

"That's basically ninety percent of what we do anyway," Archer admitted.

"Yeah why are you throwing a hissy fit about this **now**?" Ray asked.

"Because I have a child whose future I have to think about!" Lana barked.

"Hello!" Mallory indicated Archer. "What do you think **I** have?"

"Psoriasis of the liver!" Cheryl called out. "Warts! Excessive wrinkles due to an extreme case of old!"

"I will **not** throw her in the ocean…" Mallory closed her eyes and gritted her teeth. "The protection money she gives us pays for electricity and heat. I will **not** throw her in the ocean…"

"I am **not** going on a ship of fools just so you can scam the CIA," Lana barked. "Because Mallory…Spoiler Alert: The CIA will find out and take it out on us!"

"How are they going to find out?" Mallory scoffed.

"It's the CIA!" Lana barked. "That's what they do!"

"A lot better than us apparently," Cyril sighed.

"Fine! Go Lana Lame!" Mallory barked as Lana left. "We don't need you anyway! In fact you can just go back to the office missy and take any incoming calls!"

"I will!" Lana shot back. "Someone needs to stand by and be prepared to send bail money!"

"Oh ha, ha!" Mallory shouted. "That's so funny I forgot to **laugh**! Well maybe I might make you permanent secretary and have Cheryl take your job?"

"No, you won't!" Lana said as she walked away.

"Well no, I won't. But you could at least **pretend** to take that threat seriously!" Mallory shouted back.

"You could pretend **to run an agency** seriously!" Lana shot back. She turned around and glared at Mallory.

"Just what the hell is **that** supposed to mean?" Mallory shouted.

"Uh Ms. Archer…" Pam noticed something.

"Not now Pam!" Mallory snapped. "Just what are you saying Lana?"

"I'm saying that if you put **half** the effort into actually running this agency instead of social climbing your way to the top and coming up with half assed idiotic schemes…" Lana fumed.

"What do you mean by **half assed** idiotic schemes?" Mallory shouted.

"Ms. Archer…" Pam began.

"Pam! Shut it!" Mallory snapped. Turning back to Lana she asked. "Name **one instance** where my plans were half assed and stupid!"

"The Excelsior AKA Skytanic ring a bell?" Lana glared back. "Or incident with the murdered Albanian Ambassador?"

"You're never going to let those two **isolated** incidents go are you?" Mallory glared.

"If only they **were** isolated incidents," Lana shot back.

"Archer…" Pam pointed to something.

"Uh Mother, Lana…" Archer noticed something.

"Not now Sterling!" Mallory snapped.

"Here's another incident! The Sea Lab disaster!" Lana barked. "Remember that? The International Space Station nightmare! And then there was the Rona Thorne debacle! The farce with the North Korean spies at the Tuntmore Hotel. And that **other** recent farce at the Tuntmore Hotel!"

"Those were not my fault!" Mallory shouted.

"The Galapagos Islands/rogue Russian Sub disaster which started only because you were too interested in chasing some Italian male tail!" Lana went on. "Who spoiler alert: Was not only not interested in you, but turned out to be masterminding the whole thing!"

"He came onto me!" Mallory snapped.

"Suurree he did," Lana rolled her eyes. "Like most of the other men you chase! You're just like your skirt chasing son!"

"Only difference is most of the people Archer chases **want** to sleep with him," Cheryl snorted.

"Well she's not wrong there," Archer agreed.

"SHUT UP!" Mallory screamed at them.

"Oh let's see what other Misadventures of Mallory are on the list?" Lana went on. "Your dinner parties from Hell, including that disaster with the previous UN Defense minister. I mean what were you **thinking** hiring assassins as caterers?"

"Well obviously I didn't check their references enough!" Mallory snapped. "I was kind of busy planning a party!"

"You were too busy screwing around!" Lana shouted. "Like that time in Portugal! Germany! Switzerland! Monaco! Oh and speaking of screwing, how about your thirty something year affairs with the heads of ODIN and the KGB? Your sex tape fiascos… **plural!** As in we had to recover more than **one** sex tape you made!"

"Oh give it a rest Lana Lecture!" Mallory snapped.

"Then there were the Ponzi schemes!" Lana went on. "One of which you were running!"

"It would have worked if that damned Trudy Beekman hadn't blabbed about my credit rating," Mallory grumbled.

"And let's not forget the granddaddy of screw-ups of them all!" Lana snapped. "You tried to run a cocaine cartel for the CIA just so they could run a drugs for arms scam so they could increase their budget!"

"They came to me! What was I going to do? Say no?" Mallory snapped.

"Right! Why set a precedent?" Lana shot back.

"You have no right to judge me!" Mallory snapped. "You have no idea what it takes to run an agency!"

"I know by watching you how **not** to run it!" Lana snapped.

"I'm amazed that baby is sleeping through all this," Ray realized.

"Well she is an Archer so…" Archer shrugged. "Probably getting used to it."

"Seriously though guys…" Pam tried to interrupt again. "We really should…"

"If I ever do run my own agency…" Lana began.

"HA!" Mallory scoffed.

"At least I would run it ethically!" Lana added. "I wouldn't do half the immoral or illegal things you've done!"

"Oh that's just hilarious coming from **you!"** Mallory snapped. "Seriously Lana! You should go on the comedy circuit!"

"Guys we really should go…" Pam began.

"You think you're _better_ than me? **Seriously?** " Mallory snapped. "If I recall correctly despite your massive nagging and complaining you were doing every single one of those _'illegal'_ and _'immoral'_ things right along with the rest of us! Nobody was exactly putting a gun to your head! Well literally anyway."

"Guys…" Pam whined.

"They're not listening Pam," Archer sighed.

"I didn't have a choice! You made me…" Lana began.

" **Made** you? I didn't make you! You did those things all on your own!" Mallory snapped. "And don't say you didn't have a choice because we both know deep down you did! Especially when it comes to the cocaine debacle!"

"I was pregnant! I needed the money desperately!" Lana shouted.

"Oh for Christ's sake Lana it's not like you didn't have other options!" Mallory snapped. "I did run a background check on you before you joined the agency! You didn't exactly pull yourself out of the ghetto! You're from Berkeley!"

"Berkley has problems! It has a lot of crime!" Lana protested.

"Property fraud Lana!" Mallory snapped, exasperated. "And tax evasion! Not exactly the Crips and Bloods! What? Are there roving gangs of accountants and real estate agents riding around in their beamers blasting easy listening out on the street?"

"It is a nice town," Archer said. "Despite all the nudity."

"I would have thought that would be a plus for you," Ray remarked.

"You didn't exactly come from an underprivileged background Lana!" Mallory snapped. "Despite your parents' extreme case of liberalism they're richer than half the Republicans I know! Especially now that the CIA is paying your father to **not** do any research!"

"How much?" Cyril asked.

"A lot," Archer told him. "Lot of zeros and commas."

"Geezy Pete…" Cyril whistled.

"Seriously, the CIA is paying your father more money for him to do nothing and sit on his ass than they do for all of us combined to do **actual work**!" Mallory snapped. "I guess it runs in the family! Since you pretty much do the same thing here!"

"You know…" Lana growled.

"You could have gone back home to Mommy and Daddy and figured out what to do with your life and raise your child in Liberal Wonderland any time you wanted!" Mallory snapped. "But nooooo…You were too proud for that! More like too addicted to the action!"

"That's one of the reasons why I stay," Cheryl admitted. "Well that and I need to get out of the house."

"And speaking of not doing any work…" Mallory went on. "Let's not forget how you actually got pregnant in the first place! Breaking and entering a doctor's office? Stealing sperm? **Without** Sterling's _permission_! Yeah! There's a real case of ethics **right there**!"

"You have to admit she does have a point," Archer nodded.

"So do I!" Pam said. "Guys maybe you should put a pin in this argument and…?"

"You **told** me to do that!" Lana barked.

"Shocker…" Archer said in a deadpanned voice.

"I was being sarcastic!" Mallory snapped. "I didn't think you'd go out and actually **do** it!"

"In Lana's defense it's kind of hard to tell the difference with you," Krieger spoke up.

"It really is," Pam added.

"Yeah even I have trouble figuring it out sometimes," Archer agreed.

"I mean she has such a sarcastic voice it's so hard to figure out if she's saying what she thinks or not," Cheryl added.

"Will the Peanut Gallery shut up and let me finish!" Mallory snapped at them.

Mallory turned back to Lana. "You think you're so smug and self-righteous and better than I am? Well let me tell you something Holly Hypocrite! You're no better than I am!"

"If anything she's worse," Cheryl added.

"Didn't somebody tell you to **shut up**?" Lana snapped at Cheryl. She then glared at Mallory. "At least I don't make up fake missions to bilk the CIA out of money!"

"No, you make up fake situations to cover for idiot friends and bilk me out of my money and time!" Mallory snarled. "Remember the time you covered for Miss Gillette when he ran down to help his idiot drug dealing hillbilly brother?"

"Drug farmer!" Ray protested.

"Really? **That's** what you take umbrage at?" Cyril asked. "What's the difference?"

"He just grew the drugs and sold it to a distributor," Ray explained. "He doesn't set the price or markup. It's like if someone called you an accountant instead of a comptroller."

"Oh I get it," Cyril nodded.

"I don't," Archer frowned.

"It's like the difference between manufacturing and marketing," Ray explained.

" **That** I get," Archer said. "I don't get the difference between an accountant and a comptroller. Those are the same things."

"No they're not," Cyril said. "As a comptroller I was not only the head of my department…Still am technically…but I worked for a large agency. Whether an accountant can pretty much just work anywhere. And work under a comptroller."

"Okay I get it now," Archer nodded.

"And even Gillette's brother got more money from the government than I do!" Mallory groaned.

"Oh and that ten million you got to renovate your office **magically disappeared**? Oh wait…" Lana said smugly. "Oh wait, it **did!** "

"Don't take that tone with me you little…" Mallory bristled.

"Again wasting ten million dollars by giving it to Pam, Cheryl and Archer?" Lana shouted. "Even I knew that was a bad idea! And I tried to tell you so, but nooooo! Once again you wasted money on your own stupid…"

"Guys seriously…" Pam interrupted again. "And they're just going to ignore me. Archer can't you at least help?"

"Honestly I'm kind of interested in this fight," Archer snorted as Lana and Mallory went at it.

"You have no idea what running a spy agency entails! You think I enjoy begging those CIA assholes for work?" Mallory ranted. "If you and the other idiots weren't so incompetent…"

"Incompetent? I'm the only one here that has _any competence at all_!" Lana protested. "I'm the best agent you have and you know it!"

"Ehhhh…" Archer, Pam, Cyril and Ray said at the same time.

"Face it Mallory! You wouldn't be in business if it wasn't for the things I've done! Like save your idiot son's life the time you got drunk and put a burn notice on him!" Lana shouted.

"That was an isolated incident! It's you who wouldn't be anywhere if it wasn't for my leadership!" Mallory shouted. "I am ten times the spy you will ever be! Unlike you with those clomping boots I know how to be discreet!"

"Oh like no one will ever notice two women screaming about being spies at the top of their lungs," Ray rolled his eyes.

"Subtlety isn't exactly their strong point," Cyril agreed. "Which is really weird considering they're spies."

"Or at least **supposed** to be spies," Ray agreed.

"Ms. Archer!" Pam called out. "LANA!"

"WHAT?" Lana and Mallory whirled on Pam at the same time.

Just then the whistle of the departing ship was heard. "The booze cruise took off…" Pam said simply. The ship pulled away from the dock.

"Damn it!" Mallory shouted.

"HA!" Lana shouted.

"What are **you** laughing at?" Ray looked at Lana. "You're just as much to blame as Ms. Archer!"

"Yeah Lana," Archer agreed.

"You noticed too and didn't say anything!" Lana snapped.

"Which is very odd considering your penchant for alcohol and unviolated vaginas!" Mallory glared at her son.

"Oh there was alcohol and women on the ship?" Archer did a double take.

"Why did you think I kept interrupting?" Pam gave him a look. "I told you I needed your help to shut them up! Asshole!"

"Okay that was my bad," Archer admitted. "Sorry Pam."

"Why are you apologizing to **her**?" Lana and Mallory shouted at the same time.

"You're not on **my side?"** Lana glared at him. "The mother of _your child?"_

"Or your **actual mother** who _gave birth_ to you?" Mallory snarled.

"Like I had a choice with either of you," Archer groaned.

"WHAT?" They both shouted.

"I'm starting to think I could run an agency better than the **both** of them," Cyril rolled his eyes.

"Dream on Cyril!" Lana scoffed.

"Yeah that will be the day," Mallory snorted.

"Hey! I took over and ran an actual country for a while!" Cyril protested. "It could happen!"

"I can't really see that happening," Pam said.

"Actually I think the gypsy lady I go to said something like that might happen in the future," Cheryl said. "So it could totally happen."

"See?" Cyril said.

"Oh please! Taking advice from some old crackpot we don't even know…" Archer began.

"But she was right about Captain Murphy! And a lot of other stuff!" Cyril remembered. "So it could happen!"

"Uh maybe in Fantasy Land," Archer scoffed.

"What? You don't think I could do it?" Cyril snapped.

"Was that **not implied** by my sarcastic laugh and the Fantasy Land reference?" Archer barked.

"I don't think it's that farfetched," Cheryl said. "Yeah I could totally see Cyril as the head of some kind of agency."

" _Him?"_ Lana and Mallory said at the same time.

"Why not?" Cyril asked.

"Uh Cyril no offense," Lana snorted. "You're not exactly the Ernst Blowfeld type."

"More like the Doctor No Way In Hell type," Archer agreed.

"You don't know me! You don't know what I'm capable of!" Cyril protested.

"Pretty sure we do," Archer snorted.

"Oh you sound just like **my father**!" Cyril snarled. "Well he was wrong about me passing the bar! And he was wrong about me making it on my own in New York! AND I TOOK OVER A GOD DAMNED COUNTRY WITH NOTHING BUT A GOD DAMNED TANK AND RAN IT FOR THREE WEEKS SO I THINK I KNOW WHAT I AM CAPABLE OF!"

"You ran it into the ground," Lana snorted.

"The CIA airstrike was not my fault and **you know it!"** Cyril shouted.

"The Drama Queen is dead," Mallory indicated Ray. Then pointed at Cyril. "All hail the new Drama Queen."

"You know…?" Cyril snarled.

"Can we all just take a step away from the drama of 'As The Spy Agency Turns' and focus on the **actual problem** at hand?" Ray asked in a bitter tone. "What do we do now?"

"Don't get your panties in a twist Miss Gillette! We'll just say we intercepted an enemy agent and got the disk!" Mallory snapped. "It's not like anyone isn't going to know that we weren't on that ship! Nothing is going to happen!"

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Something happened didn't it?" Mallory groaned. Her back was still to the water.

"Yup," Lana blinked.

"Do I want to know?" Mallory sighed.

"About the back of the ship exploding in a ball of fire and the ship sinking faster than an unpopular politician's presidential campaign?" Pam asked.

"Well now I do," Mallory turned around and saw the chaos behind her. "I don't freaking believe it…"

"I know," Krieger said. "For once something exploded and we had nothing to do with it."

"Okay fine," Mallory was getting a headache. "We escaped the exploding ship. I mean it's plausible. It's not like it's that far from the dock. I see people swimming to shore already so…Okay. Here's what happened. We all escaped the exploding ship which some double agent or assassin put a bomb on it. I mean who is going to know the difference? It's not like those idiots at the CIA will figure it out!"

Two days later…

"What do you mean by trying to scam you?" Mallory shouted into the phone in her office. Her employees were there as well. "I assure you that we got the virus from those assassins…What? What do you mean it's not a computer virus? Pictures? Well…WHAT KIND OF PICTURES ARE ON THAT DISK?"

"Oh right," Krieger winced. "I meant to tell you there was a tiny little mix up in the lab. Me and the old hologram girlfriend were doing a little role playing and…"

Mallory gave Krieger a look that if it was possible, Krieger would have exploded on sight. "Okay…So there was a tiny mix up…But the threat….I mean a bomb went off and…"

Mallory stiffened. "What do you mean there was no bomb? Then what the hell caused the explosion? Oh…Engine malfunction. And you **bought** that? Seriously Krieger has at least three different kinds of explosions…Yes…Mentioning him was not a smart move."

"Technically I have five kinds of explosions that are totally untraceable," Krieger said.

"But someone died! The UN Secretary of Defense who…" Mallory protested. "Oh coroner's report it was a heart attack he had while drowning…But still…Hawley listen! It could have still been a plot!"

"A PLOT BY YOU TO SCAM MORE MONEY FROM ME!" Hawley was heard screaming from the phone. "I KNOW IT WAS YOU THAT MADE UP THAT FAKE MISSION!"

"What? It wasn't a fake!" Mallory protested. "How can you say that?"

"Check the link I sent you on your computer," Hawley growled. He was sitting at his office desk.

"Link? What link…?" Mallory then saw something in her e-mail and clicked on a link.

Then a video came up on the computer. It was of Mallory and Lana arguing.

 _"Remember that stupid computer virus that infected our mainframe a while back?"_ Mallory was heard saying.

"Ha ha!" Pam imitated the Pirate computer virus.

"Is that **us**?" Lana had gotten up to take a look at it.

 _"Well Krieger made an inferior copy of it and it's downloaded on this disk drive."_ Mallory was speaking. _"After we disembark on this boat I will personally hand this to Hawley and tell him we took this off a KGB agent who was going to use this to infect the stock market or something. The agent got away but we thwarted his plan."_

 _"So not only are you making up a threat, in order to screw money out of the CIA_ ," Lana sighed. _"You're going to give them a fake virus to make you look good?"_

 _"To make the whole agency look good,"_ Mallory was heard saying.

"It's got the whole fight on it doesn't it?" Lana winced.

"Looks like it," Cyril blinked.

"Are you looking at it?" Hawley asked.

"Uhhh…." Mallory stalled.

"Yeah we're looking at it all right!" Pam called out.

"PAM! SHUT UP!" Mallory shouted.

"Care to explain **that?** " Hawley snapped.

"No…No I don't think so," Mallory winced.

"Oh that is bad," Ray winced. "Very, very bad…"

Mallory was speechless as Hawley laid into her. "But…" She began to protest but the torrent of screams from the phone stopped her from getting a word in.

"Really, really bad," Ray groaned.

"Hawley please…" Mallory protested. "I don't think the CIA are morons…Well that was taken out of context."

"Really, really, really bad," Ray sighed.

"I think we've gone beyond bad and went right to screwed," Cyril groaned.

"We're beyond screwed," Lana winced. "We'll be lucky if we even see the light of screwed."

Mallory hung up the phone. "Well…We just officially got another mark in the loss column."

"Big shock," Lana said sarcastically. "Called it!"

"And when our assigned number of missions run out it will be officially counted against this agency," Mallory sighed. "A very big mark against us."

"I warned you!" Lana protested.

"Lana give it a rest will you?" Archer groaned.

"If that wasn't bad enough the CIA is cutting even more funding from this agency as a punishment," Mallory went on. "As if we barely have enough for coffee as it is!"

"Not even that," Cyril sighed.

"And it also bears merit to say this but the CIA has warned us to never mention this incident upon pain of not only being disavowed," Mallory groaned. "But we would all probably go to a black site somewhere very, very remote."

"Morocco?" Lana suggested.

"Not even there," Mallory groaned. "I believe the Arctic Circle was mentioned."

"Yeesh…" Archer winced. "Even I'm a little worried about that."

"You are?" Cyril asked.

"Hello? Polar bears!" Archer barked. "The Arctic's furry version of alligators. And worst of all their habitat is disappearing as well as their food source! And who do you think they're going to go after for food _and revenge_ Cyril? Huh? It's not gonna be penguins! That's for sure!"

"Especially since there are no penguins in the Arctic Circle," Ray gave him a look.

"And why do you think that is Ray?" Archer asked. "Because penguins are smart birds!"

"Well no penguins work here so yeah…" Cheryl shrugged.

"So…This was not a very productive week for us," Krieger winced.

"No, it was not," Mallory took a drink from a glass.

"I don't think we're going to be able to stack the deck from now on," Ray remarked.

"YOU THINK? WHO FILMED THIS?" Mallory shouted. "PAM!"

"It wasn't me!" Pam protested. "This time…"

"WELL THEN WHO DID?" Mallory shouted.

Three guesses….

"Excellent work Agent H," Katya purred to her agent in the field on the video communicator in her office. "Not only did you kill the UN defense minister who was an enemy of Russia, you filmed Mallory Archer making a fool of herself."

"I thought you could use a laugh," Agent H said. His face was shadowed so no one could see it.

"I did. I really did," Katya grinned. "And it was even funnier to send a tape of this latest incident of Mallory's selfish buffoonery to the CIA. By the way does her agency have a new name yet?"

"Not that I am aware of," Agent H shrugged. "And not for my lack of trying if you get my drift."

"Well that's just sloppy leadership," Katya frowned. "I mean seriously, the woman criticizes me but she can't take **two minutes** out of her day to pick a name for her business?"

"I know. How unprofessional," Agent H agreed. "Is like the woman is running a master class on how **not** to run a spy agency!"

"So you understand when I tell you to not directly engage Sterling Archer or other members of agency?" Katya asked.

"Da. No problem. The way these idiots are going they are going to take themselves out of the game one way or another," Agent H agreed. "Not that big a threat."

"Agreed. By the way nice job with the sabotage," Katya said.

"It was easy to place a micro bomb into the ship's engine after I poisoned the UN secretary and shoved his body into the water," Agent H shrugged. "No one else died. Too close to shore but his death was ruled an accident. By the way, tell scientists their new invention of untraceable bomb work perfectly."

"To be fair I kind of borrowed that formula from Krieger," Katya shrugged.

"Really?" Agent H blinked.

"Da. It got downloaded in my CPU when I was programmed somehow. Another reason I do not want members of Archer's agency dead. At least most of them," Katya explained. "Not yet anyway. They have their…uses. Most of them."

Back at Mallory's office…

"Most of you are useless!" Mallory shouted. "USELESS!"

"Yeah guys!" Archer crowed.

"YOU'RE IN THE USELESS COLUMN AS WELL STERLING!" Mallory shouted. "AT THE TOP OF IT!"

"HA!" Lana scoffed.

"What are **you** laughing at?" Mallory turned on Lana. "You're just as useless as he is!"

"What?" Lana barked.

"If it wasn't for you distracting me I would have boarded that ship!" Mallory snapped.

"Which would have exploded anyway," Pam pointed out. Mallory glared at her. "Hey don't look at me! I tried to tell you the ship was departing but you were so distracted fighting Lana…Who does share responsibility for this mess."

"Thank you for throwing me under the bus Pam," Lana glared at her.

"I thought it was a ship," Cheryl blinked.

"True. And that is why Pam is the only useful person in this agency!" Mallory shouted.

Then it hit Mallory. "Oh dear God. Pam **is** the only _useful person_ in this agency…" She took a drink.

"YAAAAAYYYY!" Pam clapped her hands.

"It's not that high a bar to pass Pam!" Mallory snapped.

"Still Number One," Pam shrugged. "And ahead of Archer and Lana."

"WHAT?" Archer and Lana glared at her.

"Burn," Ray quipped.

"Remind me to burn some of you in the future!" Mallory groaned.


End file.
